After my check-up in June before heading for Toronto I got a call back with an appointment for an ultrasound. It was scheduled for the week we would be gone so I had it rescheduled. I asked what it was for and told matter of factly 'blood in your urine'. Panic:condition yellow, what now. Do I go on the ride or not? I decided if I had something I couldn't really make things any worse and maybe I wouldn't get another chance. At the same time I was changing over some insurance and had to be given a physical by a nurse for the company. A week later I got a phone call from the insurance company asking if I had heard from my doctor with any results from my check-up. I hadn't, but I got the sense that they knew something from their tests and were not going to tell me. I was sure something big was coming my way. Panic:condition orange, why now after just getting back to feeling good? When I got back I went for the ultrasound, met with my family doctor and learned that I had gall stones. Not a big deal most overweight people get them, but I had to be referred to a urologist for another test on my bladder as the ultrasound doesn't get a good picture. I asked what are we looking for and as if we were looking for a lost tennis ball the good doctor calmly says 'a tumour'. Panic:condition red, imagination on overtime. Off to the next appointment where I'm told I about the procedure and not to worry. I was as worried about the procedure as the results. The procedure was done yesterday and all is well. Panic:condition green, knew it all along. Right.
The brain does funny things when left on its own to imagine. The not knowing and the waiting are troubling and my mind wandered the paths of many possible futures, none of them good. I imagined the worst. I thought maybe that's how I lost weight, alot of people have asked if it was on purpose or was it because I was sick. I looked at things differently for a while, why bother painting Eyowen (the bike I'm building) since I'll never get to ride her. Why buy that new piece of software or even a pair of jeans.
Then because I wasn't feeling sick I just decided I wasn't. I quit feeling sorry for myself and got on with things and it only caused mild concern now and again. But the night before and the day of, I was as nervous as a cat. All the fears that had crossed my mind since June raced through my head again. A simple, yet terrifying, 5 minute procedure and a quick decision by a doctor that can change your life in an instant. I thought I had an idea of what people fighting cancer go through before but I had no clue. The strength of those that live with those same fears and worse, that battle through the treatments and continue to be the same person they have always been is inspiring. For now I'll keep trying to help the cause and be thankful to fight it with my time and resources.
192 miles to 4000
October: 143 miles
10-09, Jill:11 miles, 53 sit-ups
10-08, 82 push-ups